My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
