my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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