mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
