There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
