I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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