Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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