Jerry, you need to find god
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
