you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
