apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
