All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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