I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
