I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
this boner is exhausting
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
