just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
whose parrot is this?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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