she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
