Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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