New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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