Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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