I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
