Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
my liver is dry heaving
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
