The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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