k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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