dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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