i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
