i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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