The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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