Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm just crazy horny about you
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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