I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
