My liver just broke up with me...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
