the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
