i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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