Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
