I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
