Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
