hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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