Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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