Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
