There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
