i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
