guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
