god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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