and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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