I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im six kinds of drunk right now
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize
