Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
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Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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