PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
