from now on my penis is your penis
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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