Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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