she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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