I didn't shave. On purpose
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
