im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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