You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
