Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
