he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
