just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
