she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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