Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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