I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
