How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
