She is in my trunk
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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