i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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