Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
