You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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