every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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