But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize